If your teens aren’t behaving the way they should, you’ve probably thought about using rewards or punishments to get them to improve their behavior. But is this a good idea?
In this article, we’ll explore the five reasons parents of teens regret using rewards and punishments in the long run, which is backed by research. We’ll then talk about the alternative approaches you can use.
Let’s start by discussing the problems associated with using rewards. Rewards might seem like an effective way to motivate your teenagers, but the research findings tell a different story. Rewards like money presents, or even praise can have unexpected consequences. Here’s the first reason parents regret using rewards in the long run.
Reason 1 Reward Reduce Intrinsic Motivation:
Rewards reduce intrinsic motivation. Studies have consistently shown that when external rewards are introduced, teens become more focused on obtaining the reward rather than on the purpose and meaning of the activity itself.
For example,
If you promise to give your teen a $50 reward for getting an A on the next math exam, they’ll become more motivated by the $50 reward rather than focusing on the joy of learning.
This will cause their long-term motivation to decrease, and the reward will gradually become less effective. some teens even feel resentful toward their parents for using rewards, because these teens feel like their parents are trying to manipulate them.
Rresearch conducted by Richard Ryan and Edward Deci highlights the danger of using rewards. They discovered that rewards diminish teenagers’ internal drive to engage in an activity. This effect can be extremely difficult to reverse. Now, let’s talk about the second reason that parents regret using rewards, which is related to the first reason.
Reason 2 Rewards result in short-term compliance:
Rewards result in short-term compliance instead of instilling long-term values in teens.
Mark Lepper and other researchers have demonstrated this phenomenon. They found that rewards can lead to temporary compliance.
But rewards don’t lead to the cultivation of values and ethics. Let’s go back to the example of incentivizing good grades. If you reward your teens for getting good grades, it’s unlikely that they’ll internalize values related to developing a strong work ethic, cultivating a spirit of excellence, or becoming intellectually curious. As a result, their overall development will be affected and they’ll also be less likely to succeed in the long run. Here’s reason number three parents regret using rewards.
Reason 3 Rewards can negatively impact teens’ self-esteem:
Rewards can negatively impact teens’ self-esteem. Richard Ryan and Edward Deci, the researchers I mentioned earlier, also explored the effects of rewards on self-esteem.
Using rewards can convey a lack of trust or belief in your teens’ abilities.
So over time, using rewards will lower your teens’ self-confidence. Imagine a situation where a teenage boy continually feels pressured to obtain rewards related to athletic or academic performance, or any other area of life.
His focus would shift from internal validation to external validation. He would focus more on achievement and on receiving the approval of others. his self-worth would start to be based on his performance instead of things of deeper value, like purpose, meaning, and character development.
This would lead to his self-esteem becoming more fragile, which could then lead to mental health issues down the road. Now that we’ve explored the issues associated with rewards, let’s talk about the problems associated with punishments.
Punishments are often seen as a good way to discipline teenagers, but they too can lead to unintended consequences. So here’s the next reason. Punishments can lead to rebellion in teens.
Reason 4 Frequently using Punishments leads to Rebellious:
Research, including a study conducted by Brian Barber, suggests that frequently using punishments can lead to rebellious behavior and defiance in teens. I’ve worked with teens who were frequently subjected to harsh punishments for their mistakes.
They felt trapped, and in many situations, they didn’t even think they deserved to be punished. This caused them to become rebellious and to continually challenge their parents’ authority. This is why punishments might work in the short term but rarely work in the long term. Let’s move on to reason number five, which is related to reason number four.
Reason 5 Punishments Strain the Parent-Teen Relationship:
Punishments strain the parent-child relationship. Research done by Brian Barber, whom we mentioned earlier, indicates that the frequent use of punishments can erode the trust between parents and teens.
This can lead to a breakdown in communication. Most of the time, when teens get punished, they focus on how unfair they perceive the punishment to be. They don’t focus on reflecting on the mistakes they made.
As such, punishments on their own rarely lead to long-term behavioral change in teens.
At the same time, punishments can severely affect the parent-child relationship. Now that we’ve discussed the limitations and drawbacks of using rewards and punishments, let’s explore some effective alternative approaches. Here’s the first one.
Effective approach 1 Build an emotional connection:
Build an emotional connection. Willard Andrew Collins’ research shows the importance of establishing emotional bonds with teens. By actively listening to your teens, showing empathy, and validating their feelings.
You’ll create a safe space where they can openly share their thoughts and feelings.
By building an emotional connection with your teens, you’re demonstrating that you genuinely care about their well-being.
You’re showing them that you’re there to support them through the ups and downs of adolescence. remember that connection leads to compliance. This means that if you want your teens to comply with your rules and instructions, you need to first take the time to establish a solid connection with them.
Effective Approach 2 Guide Your Teens Toward Autonomy and Independence:
Effective approach number two, guide your teens toward autonomy and independence.
Studies conducted by Laurence Steinberg support the idea that gradually giving your teens more independence and involving them in the decision-making process helps them to grow and develop.
This means that if you find yourself imposing more restrictions on your teens over time, it’s probably a good idea to change your approach. Think about a situation where your teens take on the responsibility of managing their own time and tasks.
Where they steadily gain a sense of independence and learn the importance of accountability. by giving your teens age-appropriate responsibilities and trusting them to make good decisions, you’ll be preparing them for the challenges of adulthood. of course, they won’t make good decisions 100% of the time, but that’s where you come in to coach them, not coerce them, to make better decisions in the future.
Effective Approach 3 Negotiate with Your Teens:
Effective approach number three, negotiate with your teens. Negotiation and open communication are vital if you want to resolve conflicts with your teens effectively.
Susie Lamborn and other researchers have discovered that parents who use this approach raise teenagers who are more developed psychologically and socially, perform better in school, and are less likely to display problematic behavior.
I’m not saying that you should focus on always trying to be your teen’s friend but you must create an environment where your teenagers feel heard and valued. You can do this through open communication and calm negotiation.
This could apply to areas like curfews, household responsibilities, screen time, religion, homework, et cetera. Instead of using rewards or punishments, engage your teens in respectful discussions, and do your best to find a solution that you and your teens find acceptable.
At the end of the day, the goal is to parent your teens in such a way that they will want to ask for your advice. using rewards and punishments is unlikely to help you achieve this goal. So the better alternative is to focus on building a strong relationship with your teenagers and to empower them to take full ownership of their lives as they head toward adulthood.